Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Saturday, November 05, 2011
Friday, November 04, 2011
Alert Level Raised
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Saturday, October 08, 2011
Thursday, September 08, 2011
Monday, September 05, 2011
Saturday, September 03, 2011
Friday, September 02, 2011
Thursday, September 01, 2011
Big Update
Big update to the blog today. New format, and some new gadgets. Check out the photos on the left.
Warwick Castle this weekend so I'll post some pics
Warwick Castle this weekend so I'll post some pics
Dave
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Saturday, August 06, 2011
Tuesday, August 02, 2011
Barclays bonuses
Barclays bonuses don't fall by 33% 'because that's not how it works'
02-08-11
BONUSES at Barclays will rise despite a fall in profits because that is just how the whole thing actually works, the bank has explained.
It's perfectly simple
The rest of the profit slide was caused by a variety of other factors involving the company's executives being very bad at their jobs.
But the bank stressed that those executives would still receive generous bonus packages because that is how it 'works'.
A spokesman said: "We use a very complex formula to calculate bonuses, so if, for example, profits fall by 33% then bonuses would only go up by 72%.
"It should be obvious how those two numbers are related, but let me explain it anyway.
"What we do is we take the amount of money the bank has made, divide it by the amount our executives would like to earn, amortise that figure over 36 months, net of tax that will be avoided anyway, and then multiply it by the cubed root of not giving a fuck what you think."
The spokesman also stressed that many Barclays staff are talented and sought after individuals who either lend money at highly skilled rates of interest to people who are fairly likely to pay it back, or they skilfully buy and sell shares in profitable companies run by people who are not very bad at their jobs.
He added: "I hate to think what would happen if the people who don't work here didn't know what they were doing."
Monday, August 01, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
Get together with friends and poison them
Professor Henry Brubaker said: "You're basically being invited to stand outside of someone's house, while the inevitably male host behaves like a rubbish tribal leader, jealously guarding a small fire and rationing out lumps of chicken that are blackened on the outside and menstruating in the middle.
"All because they're trying to compensate for being born without an anus or some other mildly humiliating dysfunction.
"Probably having access to fire was impressive once, but we no longer live in the era of cave bears and loincloths. There are things called 'kitchens' which are impervious to rain and have ample cooking technology to facilitate meal preparation in an effective, non-sooty way.
"Plus, why do you have to bring your own food? What's up with that? You don't say 'I'm having a dinner party, please arrive with a jug of rich creamy sauce'."
Regular barbecue thrower Tom Logan said: "I love the social aspect, the getting together, also just being able to control something in my life for fucking once, you know?
"Even if my wife and colleagues don't respect me and I have intermittent erection problems, this is my thing, I'm wearing the funny apron, I'm holding the tongs. Sure you can make minor observations like 'I think those vegetarian skewers might be done' but basically stay the fuck out of my way.
"I am the chieftain now, and if I want to I can grab your wife by the hair and drag her into the gazebo for a good ravishing."
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Friday, July 01, 2011
Sunday, May 01, 2011
Friday, April 08, 2011
Friday, April 01, 2011
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